As I mentioned yesterday, my husband graduated college after many, many, many years and sidetracks, and giving ups, and life getting in the way of life. Also for those many, many, many years, he has held the same job as a manager of a national chain grocery store. This has offered a decent salary and pretty great benefits...but it's also offered the crappiest schedule ever for a family who actually wants to hang out with each other. He has two days off during the week. On the bright side, has allowed him to watch the kids and become a pretty fantastic and confident dad. On the other hand, this means that we almost never get to have an entire day off together. He also often works shifts in the evening. This means a lot of solo days/nights of solo parenting for me. And not too much couple togetherness for us.
So now that he's a fancy new grad, he has started the official job hunt. Last week, he was brought in to take an exam for a company to see if they'd even let him interview. He passed, and had his first interview today. It went great. This is more and more seeming like one of those dreamy dream jobs that comes along once in a lifetime where they pay good, amazing benefits, a bajillion days off a year, and they will meticulously train him in his exact chosen field for a frakkin year before they expect him to be able to do things by himself. For a 30-something dude who is starting out fresh after working 20 years in customer service, this is pretty amazing stuff. He wants this job so so so so so so bad and holy god, if he doesn't get it, it's gonna get all kinds of ugly up in our house. I have that motherly holding my breath *omg i want this to work out SO bad* thing going on....and not just for the changes it will bring to my life, but for all the things it will do to/for him....his self-esteem, getting to experience a REAL job, working with NORMAL non-16 year old people. Have you ever really looked at the people working in grocery stores? Around 94% of them are...off.
I've been putting out some serious vibes to the universe, begging and pleading to the powers that be. C'mon, universe. We need this one.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Recap
So, it's January now. Okay, then.
How did NaNoWriMo go, you wonder? I got about 463 words in before I realized I was most definitely not having fun. I wasn't enjoying any part of the process, and checking the word count after each sentence, as if it was going to be 50,000 words after a couple of days. It reminded me of writing papers in college and the entire time, the voice inside my head is grumbling about all the other things I'd rather be doing, including cleaning the kitchen. I think when I'd rather be scrubbing the grout in my floor tile, that I should reevaluate the project that I'm doing for fun. Plus, I read this article that said even though some things may seem obvious (i like to write, i write for my job, i'm okay at it, so I should write a book...) sometimes it just takes you down a path (...but what i really like is telling a story, but not through the written word) and you realize that a series of events in leading you down a different path to what you really love. So, I'm working on flushing that out.
Also in November, my baby turned one. And my husband graduated college after taking classes for 20 (twenty) (yes, i know) years.
And then this funny thing happened. I realized I LOVE my job. Prior to this, when a friend would ask how I'm liking it, I would say "It's good. A solid job. Cool people" and that was about it. "Sooo, you don't like it?" they would ask. "No, no! It's good." Then, they would do that "MMMkay" thing with their eyebrows and we'd move on to the next subject. But all of a sudden, I think all that residual anger over being laid off from my last job finally went away and I realized "Oh, holy shit! This job is freaking awesome." Seriously - a great salary, a flexible schedule, an interesting work load, an amazing smart boss who wants me to move up and make more money and always has my back, cool coworkers who I get along with wonderfully, and (recent development) my own office.
It's becoming more and more obvious how ridiculously lucky that I am.
How did NaNoWriMo go, you wonder? I got about 463 words in before I realized I was most definitely not having fun. I wasn't enjoying any part of the process, and checking the word count after each sentence, as if it was going to be 50,000 words after a couple of days. It reminded me of writing papers in college and the entire time, the voice inside my head is grumbling about all the other things I'd rather be doing, including cleaning the kitchen. I think when I'd rather be scrubbing the grout in my floor tile, that I should reevaluate the project that I'm doing for fun. Plus, I read this article that said even though some things may seem obvious (i like to write, i write for my job, i'm okay at it, so I should write a book...) sometimes it just takes you down a path (...but what i really like is telling a story, but not through the written word) and you realize that a series of events in leading you down a different path to what you really love. So, I'm working on flushing that out.
Also in November, my baby turned one. And my husband graduated college after taking classes for 20 (twenty) (yes, i know) years.
And then this funny thing happened. I realized I LOVE my job. Prior to this, when a friend would ask how I'm liking it, I would say "It's good. A solid job. Cool people" and that was about it. "Sooo, you don't like it?" they would ask. "No, no! It's good." Then, they would do that "MMMkay" thing with their eyebrows and we'd move on to the next subject. But all of a sudden, I think all that residual anger over being laid off from my last job finally went away and I realized "Oh, holy shit! This job is freaking awesome." Seriously - a great salary, a flexible schedule, an interesting work load, an amazing smart boss who wants me to move up and make more money and always has my back, cool coworkers who I get along with wonderfully, and (recent development) my own office.
It's becoming more and more obvious how ridiculously lucky that I am.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
A start
At lunch the other day, my mom and I were reminiscing about some of my more ridiculous teenage behavior. She brought up the time that I glued 100 pennies to the windowsill in my room and how I was utterly perplexed at her displeasure.
I laughed and said, "You were very tolerant."
She laughed, but then stopped, looked me in the eyes and said, "Well, so were you, so we are even."
We looked at each order, both of our mouths turning up into slightly awkward smiles and our brains each conjuring up different alcohol infused memories. Although she had apologized when I visited her in rehab over 3 years ago, this was the first time she had ever made a statement like that. In that moment, my heart itched - not comfortable, but not bad either. I guess that's what healing feels like.
I laughed and said, "You were very tolerant."
She laughed, but then stopped, looked me in the eyes and said, "Well, so were you, so we are even."
We looked at each order, both of our mouths turning up into slightly awkward smiles and our brains each conjuring up different alcohol infused memories. Although she had apologized when I visited her in rehab over 3 years ago, this was the first time she had ever made a statement like that. In that moment, my heart itched - not comfortable, but not bad either. I guess that's what healing feels like.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
7 Days Away
{ Elisa Nelissen }The bell chimes announcing the tram is arriving. It pulls up and the doors slide open on the opposite side, letting the passengers out. Tears prick my eyes because I want to be arriving, not leaving. I only have two more days, but my homesickness is at it's peak and I'm having a hard time keeping it together. The last 5 days were intense; 18 hour days in front of clients, most of those hours on my feet and with a smile plastered on my face. I had to be on at all times- helpful, knowledgeable, "can-do".
I step off the tram onto my terminal and detour into the bathroom. I pick a stall far from the door and pull the breast pump out of my luggage. It's jammed into my carry-on, taking up most of the room, not leaving much space for clothes. I waste time on my phone while sitting on the toilet, pumping. Will is going to be one soon, but I'm desperate to breastfeed exclusively like I did with Finn. I don't get much milk, only 3 ounces and I feel frustrated. So much work and I'm barely keeping up. Such a theme of my life right now. Running nonstop, yet achieving so little beyond the daily tasks. I want to take pictures and make videos and write. But by the time the kids are asleep and the dishes are dry, sleep is the only thing that sounds good.
My pants are slightly wet near the pocket after I leave the bathroom. My fingers rub over the spot again and again. I trace the outline and think about my life. I drag my nail against the denim, and I can see the fibers fray.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Chasing
I will start doing the things that scare me. I will take the chances that I know I am ready for. I will accept the amazing things that are being offered to me.
I am going to do NaNoWriMo, so excuse me if my next few posts are endlessly random, as I am trying to push myself to write. I have an idea for a book. I've HAD an idea for a book for months now, but have done nothing with it. So, fuck it. I'm going to get it out.
I am going to do NaNoWriMo, so excuse me if my next few posts are endlessly random, as I am trying to push myself to write. I have an idea for a book. I've HAD an idea for a book for months now, but have done nothing with it. So, fuck it. I'm going to get it out.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
That Feeling
You know when you know it, in your gut? Whatever “it” may be. You just get that feeling.
We go to a home daycare about 10 minutes from my house. She’s an older lady in her early 70’s who shops at the grocery store my husband manages. She filled in during an unexpected daycare crisis, and it became a long term solution. We started 2 years ago.
About 6 months ago, Finn started crying when I told him it was a daycare day. I would ask him why, and he always gave reasons like, “I want to stay home” or “I want to be with mommy and daddy”. At first, it was only a couple of times a month that he would react like that. Then, about 2 months ago, it was daily.
She’s a nice lady. She’s has that funny old lady spunk. She ADORES the kids. When I was laid off, she didn’t try to recruit more kids, just waited patiently until I found another job. She’s flexible. She’s insanely reasonably priced. These were all the reasons I didn’t listen to my gut.
My gut said, “She never really answers your questions completely.” It said “She makes you feel uncomfortable when try to look around the house.” It tried to tell me, “Finn NEVER acts like he wants to stay.” But my brain consoled me. My brain said “What could she have to hide? So the house is a little messy. The kids are LOVED. And he rarely cries when you leave. I’m sure everything is fine. It’s going to be IMPOSSIBLE to find another flexible daycare situation for what you pay.”
6 weeks ago, I picked the boys up, and asked Finn if he had taken a nap that day.
“YES,” he said, with a weird sort of tone in his voice.
Naps were becoming a struggle at my house, hard to keep him in bed even though I could see so badly that he needed the rest. “Why do you always nap at daycare, but you don’t want to nap at home?”
“She gets MAD at me if I don’t nap,” he says in that weird voice again.
ALARMS. Heart in my throat. This feeling of I knew everything wasn’t right. I try to steady my voice and stay normal. “What happens when she gets mad?”
“She slaps me.”
“Where?”
“On my legs. Like this, “he says and slaps his shin, hard. “And like this,” he says, slapping the other leg.
My eyes well up with tears, and I stare straight again, my eyes darting between the road and the rearview mirror. “Anywhere else?”
He slaps various spots on his legs and feet. He slaps himself in the face, and I say with panic “She slaps you in the face?!” and he quickly says, “No, just on my legs.” I try to calm myself down again, hoping that will encourage him to be honest.
“Do you cry when she does it?” I ask.
“No,” he says, very matter-of-fact.
I’m quiet for a moment. “Does she do anything else?”
“She says, ‘Shut up, Finn!’”.
“How does it make you feel when she says that?”
“Sad.”
:::
The kids have been at their new daycare for 6 weeks. Finn gets excited in the morning when I tell him it’s a daycare day. I’ll never ignore that feeling again.
We go to a home daycare about 10 minutes from my house. She’s an older lady in her early 70’s who shops at the grocery store my husband manages. She filled in during an unexpected daycare crisis, and it became a long term solution. We started 2 years ago.
About 6 months ago, Finn started crying when I told him it was a daycare day. I would ask him why, and he always gave reasons like, “I want to stay home” or “I want to be with mommy and daddy”. At first, it was only a couple of times a month that he would react like that. Then, about 2 months ago, it was daily.
She’s a nice lady. She’s has that funny old lady spunk. She ADORES the kids. When I was laid off, she didn’t try to recruit more kids, just waited patiently until I found another job. She’s flexible. She’s insanely reasonably priced. These were all the reasons I didn’t listen to my gut.
My gut said, “She never really answers your questions completely.” It said “She makes you feel uncomfortable when try to look around the house.” It tried to tell me, “Finn NEVER acts like he wants to stay.” But my brain consoled me. My brain said “What could she have to hide? So the house is a little messy. The kids are LOVED. And he rarely cries when you leave. I’m sure everything is fine. It’s going to be IMPOSSIBLE to find another flexible daycare situation for what you pay.”
6 weeks ago, I picked the boys up, and asked Finn if he had taken a nap that day.
“YES,” he said, with a weird sort of tone in his voice.
Naps were becoming a struggle at my house, hard to keep him in bed even though I could see so badly that he needed the rest. “Why do you always nap at daycare, but you don’t want to nap at home?”
“She gets MAD at me if I don’t nap,” he says in that weird voice again.
ALARMS. Heart in my throat. This feeling of I knew everything wasn’t right. I try to steady my voice and stay normal. “What happens when she gets mad?”
“She slaps me.”
“Where?”
“On my legs. Like this, “he says and slaps his shin, hard. “And like this,” he says, slapping the other leg.
My eyes well up with tears, and I stare straight again, my eyes darting between the road and the rearview mirror. “Anywhere else?”
He slaps various spots on his legs and feet. He slaps himself in the face, and I say with panic “She slaps you in the face?!” and he quickly says, “No, just on my legs.” I try to calm myself down again, hoping that will encourage him to be honest.
“Do you cry when she does it?” I ask.
“No,” he says, very matter-of-fact.
I’m quiet for a moment. “Does she do anything else?”
“She says, ‘Shut up, Finn!’”.
“How does it make you feel when she says that?”
“Sad.”
:::
The kids have been at their new daycare for 6 weeks. Finn gets excited in the morning when I tell him it’s a daycare day. I’ll never ignore that feeling again.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I'm right 'cause you're wrong
In one blogger's quest to get more than 3 hours sleep at night, she turned to the internet for ideas on sleep solutions and came across this article. In it, the author details the 10 reasons that you should not utilize the cry it out method. This portion of her argument has me particularly disturbed:
I worry that if I leave my children to cry it out, then they will not see the point in reaching out to us if they have problems later in life and could try to deal with serious issues like bullying, drug addictions, teenage pregnancy, gambling problems, or flunking out of school on their own or turn to peers. Unfortunately, those problems are often too big for a teenager to be left to deal with alone or with peers and it can have disastrous results ranging from making poor decisions all the way to committing suicide out of a feeling of hopelessness.
Whaaaaaat? Seriously, what? Wow.
The author has every right as a mother to choose the technique that works best for her children. But this tactic of proving she is right by detailing how others are wrong has me seriously peeved. What is it about making someone feel terrible about their choices that make you feel better about yours? If you would rather get up with your kids every night as many times as they get up, good for you! Make a list of all the reasons that this is fabulous parenting and how studies show your kids will be little geniuses. But don't make a list of how I'm ruining my child because I choose to take a different path. This self righteous and completely arrogant way of thinking serves no purpose. Why can't moms just put their arms over another mom's shoulder and assure her that she's making the best choices for her kids. Parents are forever second guessing their decisions - should I keep breastfeeding, should I put them in daycare, should I vaccinate, should I only feed organic, should I put them in special classes, should I force them to stop using their pacifier - why not make lists about the benefits of the reasons you made your choice, not a list of reasons that woman who don't agree with you totally suck. Can't we just agree that what may be working for my kid most likely won't work for yours? Why do you think there are a hundred different books on baby sleep solutions? There is no one size fits all with kids. If you encounter a solution for any part of your life that's working for you - for your children, for your diet, for organizing your wallet, whatever! - I want to see the list about all the reasons it rocks. But a list about all the reasons I am making the wrong decision if I don't agree with you? No thanks.
I worry that if I leave my children to cry it out, then they will not see the point in reaching out to us if they have problems later in life and could try to deal with serious issues like bullying, drug addictions, teenage pregnancy, gambling problems, or flunking out of school on their own or turn to peers. Unfortunately, those problems are often too big for a teenager to be left to deal with alone or with peers and it can have disastrous results ranging from making poor decisions all the way to committing suicide out of a feeling of hopelessness.
Whaaaaaat? Seriously, what? Wow.
The author has every right as a mother to choose the technique that works best for her children. But this tactic of proving she is right by detailing how others are wrong has me seriously peeved. What is it about making someone feel terrible about their choices that make you feel better about yours? If you would rather get up with your kids every night as many times as they get up, good for you! Make a list of all the reasons that this is fabulous parenting and how studies show your kids will be little geniuses. But don't make a list of how I'm ruining my child because I choose to take a different path. This self righteous and completely arrogant way of thinking serves no purpose. Why can't moms just put their arms over another mom's shoulder and assure her that she's making the best choices for her kids. Parents are forever second guessing their decisions - should I keep breastfeeding, should I put them in daycare, should I vaccinate, should I only feed organic, should I put them in special classes, should I force them to stop using their pacifier - why not make lists about the benefits of the reasons you made your choice, not a list of reasons that woman who don't agree with you totally suck. Can't we just agree that what may be working for my kid most likely won't work for yours? Why do you think there are a hundred different books on baby sleep solutions? There is no one size fits all with kids. If you encounter a solution for any part of your life that's working for you - for your children, for your diet, for organizing your wallet, whatever! - I want to see the list about all the reasons it rocks. But a list about all the reasons I am making the wrong decision if I don't agree with you? No thanks.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Going green
So I read this post by this amazing girl. In it, she gives the recipe and a weird compelling argument for making a smoothie with spinach in it. Waitwaitwait, don't leave. I know, spinach. I'm not really in to it either. But here goes nothing:
Honest Fare Green Smoothie
Original recipe here.
2 big handfuls of fresh, raw spinach
½ pink lady apple, chopped
1 tbsp fresh parsley
1 coin fresh ginger root, minced
1 c vanilla soy milk
4 strawberries, frozen
½ banana, frozen
½ peach, frozen
¼ c plain low-fat yogurt (optional)
Blend all ingredients. Serve chilled.
Can you really trust a vegetable that looks like a weapon? Or wait, is it a fruit?
Challenge #2/3: What the fuck is a coin of ginger? And how do you mince? Okay, so I used my common sense with a coin, although the fact that some of the circles were dime shaped and some were half dollar shaped kinda threw me. And then I realized I was supposed to have taken the skin off before I started cutting. I trudged on.
I almost stopped here. This kinda gives me the creeps to look at even now. I mean, hairy? REALLY? Plus, the smell of it reminds me of the first trimester of my last pregnancy when everyone tried to shove ginger-flavored shit down my throat to ease my nausea. I trudged forward.
I'm not sure if this is a good mince or not, but my knives suck, so this was the best I was gonna do.
Then, at the genius suggestion of Laurie, I portioned the servings of ginger and parsley in an ice cube tray.
Added a little water, then stuck it in the freezer. After it froze, I popped out one cube for each serving of smoothie.
Cut up and froze all the bananas and peaches.
I chopped up the apples tiny too, because my blender suckkkkkkks and I wanted to make it as painless as possible.
I really went for it with the handfuls of spinach - go green or go home, right?
I threw everything in, making sure to add the soy milk and yogurt in first so it was closest to the blades for my finicky blender.
I doubled the recipe, and it made a HUGE amount - not pictured: another HUGE cup of this stuff
The verdict: A serious and surprising success. In the words of Laurie, "This recipe isn't 'good for a green smoothie'. It isn't 'ok except for the spinach'. It is delightful, addictive, ohmygod delicious. It tastes like heaven." I couldn't have said it better myself. It's gritty, yet perfectly smooth. Sweet, but perfectly flavored. Earthy, but insanely delicious. My husband LICKED THE GLASS. My 3 year old begged for more.
Make it. Now.
p.s....for those who are conscious of price, all the ingredients cost me about $15, and I was able to make around 7 (BIG) servings before I ran out of some of the ingredients. I still have more than half the parsley/ginger cubes and half a carton of the soy milk. At around $2 a serving, that's pretty awesome.
p.p.s....seriously, make it now.
Honest Fare Green Smoothie
Original recipe here.
2 big handfuls of fresh, raw spinach
½ pink lady apple, chopped
1 tbsp fresh parsley
1 coin fresh ginger root, minced
1 c vanilla soy milk
4 strawberries, frozen
½ banana, frozen
½ peach, frozen
¼ c plain low-fat yogurt (optional)
Blend all ingredients. Serve chilled.
But see, there's nothing like a seemingly simple recipe to freak me the fuck out. There are 4 items on that list I've never bought, and the idea of putting parsley in the blender was seriously wigging me out. But hey, I love a challenge:
Challenge 1: Find all the items in my grocery store. This wasn't too complex, except for the parsley and the ginger root. The produce dude pointed me in the general direction of a bunch of green leafy items, and when he noticed that I was still staring at everything 5 minutes later, he came up and handed me the parsley. Also, I couldn't find any pink lady apples, so I got the most pinkish apples I could find, I think they were Galas. I also opted for vanilla yogurt, because I've never had a tasty experience with plain yogurt, and I can only be SO experimental in one day.
Can you really trust a vegetable that looks like a weapon? Or wait, is it a fruit?
Challenge #2/3: What the fuck is a coin of ginger? And how do you mince? Okay, so I used my common sense with a coin, although the fact that some of the circles were dime shaped and some were half dollar shaped kinda threw me. And then I realized I was supposed to have taken the skin off before I started cutting. I trudged on.
I almost stopped here. This kinda gives me the creeps to look at even now. I mean, hairy? REALLY? Plus, the smell of it reminds me of the first trimester of my last pregnancy when everyone tried to shove ginger-flavored shit down my throat to ease my nausea. I trudged forward.
I'm not sure if this is a good mince or not, but my knives suck, so this was the best I was gonna do.
I took all the stems off the parsley before I chopped it. Nope, I don't eat the stalks of broccoli, either.
Then, at the genius suggestion of Laurie, I portioned the servings of ginger and parsley in an ice cube tray.
Added a little water, then stuck it in the freezer. After it froze, I popped out one cube for each serving of smoothie.
Cut up and froze all the bananas and peaches.
I chopped up the apples tiny too, because my blender suckkkkkkks and I wanted to make it as painless as possible.
I really went for it with the handfuls of spinach - go green or go home, right?
I threw everything in, making sure to add the soy milk and yogurt in first so it was closest to the blades for my finicky blender.
I doubled the recipe, and it made a HUGE amount - not pictured: another HUGE cup of this stuff
The verdict: A serious and surprising success. In the words of Laurie, "This recipe isn't 'good for a green smoothie'. It isn't 'ok except for the spinach'. It is delightful, addictive, ohmygod delicious. It tastes like heaven." I couldn't have said it better myself. It's gritty, yet perfectly smooth. Sweet, but perfectly flavored. Earthy, but insanely delicious. My husband LICKED THE GLASS. My 3 year old begged for more.
Make it. Now.p.s....for those who are conscious of price, all the ingredients cost me about $15, and I was able to make around 7 (BIG) servings before I ran out of some of the ingredients. I still have more than half the parsley/ginger cubes and half a carton of the soy milk. At around $2 a serving, that's pretty awesome.
p.p.s....seriously, make it now.
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