Top 10

Just the other day I was lamenting on twitter how I don't have any of the symptoms on the lists you see called "Top 10 signs You May Be Pregnant". Well, I must have forgotten to knock on a nearby tree, because that is no longer the case.

10. Tender, swollen breasts
I've got the tender thing going on, but not so much swollen, which sort of irritates me, because one of the things I'm looking forward to is inflating my post-breastfeeding (but once high and mighty) chest to it's former glory.

9. Fatigue
I am so f-ing tired. Not like "yawwwwn, it would sure be nice to get another 30 minutes of sleep" tired....like, I am now a narcoleptic tired. I fear falling asleep at my desk or in meetings or in my car or while making dinner. I remember during my first pregnancy taking naps in my car during my lunch break and basically sleeping 18 hours a day on the weekend. My active toddler isn't a big fan of lying on the couch for hours at a time, so I'm just blearily making it through my days.

8. Implantation bleeding
Seriously, has this ever happened to anyone?

7. Nausea or vomiting
OMG. I forgot the hell that is pregnancy nausea. Thankfully, it takes straight up salmonella to get me to barf, but let the dry heaves begin. It started 4 days ago - waves of nausea that would pass over me like the smell of raw chicken that's been sitting in the trash too long. So far, I can't figure out the rythym to it, but it comes in for 2 hours, then goes for 45 minutes, back for 3 hours, gone for 15 minutes, etc. During my work day, I try to get things done like a madman during those precious minutes when my stomach isn't turning inside out. During the other minutes (hours) I am catching up on my Facebook, and People.com and whatever other websites that don't require thought or brainpower whatsoever. Needless to say, my work is suffering. I need to stock up on saltines and preggy pops or whatever else I can pretend is working.

6. Increased sensitivity to odors
My husband uses this Burt's Bees Honey lotion stuff. I've never really been in love with the smell of it, but I told him the other day he better put that stuff in a vault before I throw it away. When I was unpacking from my Vegas trip, I nearly blew my cookies when I opened my suitcase and the smell of smoke drifted out. And the other day, as I was eating my Qdoba burrito (which, just by the way, pales in comparison to Chipotle), I couldn't finish the last bites because the smell of green chili was so strong.

5. Abdominal bloating
More like "feels like I've gained 10 pounds". I got on the scale at the gym yesterday and was shocked that I haven't gained any weight. I'm fine first thing in the morning - my pants fit. But after my morning toast, it's like I'm 3 months pregnant. I'm literally contemplating going out and starting to purchase maternity clothes. I do have a fairly decent stack of clothes in the basement, but since I was 40 pounds heavier last time around, I doubt it will fit (at least not in the covert way I'm looking for right now).

4. Frequent urination
I can't tell if this is due to the pregnancy or due to the insane amount of water I'm drinking every time I feel like I'm going to yarf.

3. A missed period
Duh.

2. Your basal body temperature stays high
I never checked this....

1. The proof: A positive home pregnancy test
Check!

So, here is the thing that is NOT on the list, which totally shocks me: Absolute lack of ability to control emotions. I'm not talking about the standard crying-at-nothing-in-particular nonsense (like sobbing when that red haired girl performed "Alone" on American Idol, what was THAT all about??). I'm talking about my sense-of-decency filter that my fetus has somehow blocked. Every year in Vegas we coordinate a poker tournament for our clients at a yearly conference. This year was a great turnout, about 45 people came. I somehow made it to the final table and on one hand, I was convinced that I lost. And instead of politely pushing my chips toward the nice lady with a stiff lipped smile, I screamed "Jesus Christ Mother Fucker!" at the top of my lungs. Surrounding by clients. And coworkers. And both of my bosses. Totally beyond inappropriate (and I have the write-up in my file to prove it). Of course, no one knows that I'm pregnant at my office, so I couldn't blame it on that. But I have to lament - I would NEVER have done something like that normally. But I'm beyond normal now.

Also, I wanted to mention that when I was desperate to be pregnant, I told myself that when I experienced these symptoms, that I would embrace them and the process of the first trimester with glee. What the hell was I thinking?