Monday, April 12, 2010

Exciting New Product!

I have a very exciting product announcement for you.  You actually already have it, although perhaps you don't realize it.  It's conviently located to the left of your steering wheel in your car, and it looks much like the lever for your windshield washer function.  This lever is called your TURN SIGNAL.  This clever little device (also known as your blinker) activates a light on your car which is meant to alert other drivers on the road if you intend to change lanes or make a turn onto an adjacent road.  Seems unncessary, you say?  Yes, I realize you think that, which is why I thought we should discuss it.  Let's explore this tool, shall we!

The basics:  Pushing this contraption UP indicates that you are going to the right.  Pushing it down means you are going to the left.  Simple, eh?!

Helpful hints:
  • Don't assume that just because you have your blinker on, that you are entitled to come into the lane.  Plan ahead.  For instance, if you know you need to turn left in a mile, don't wait until the very last second to get into the left lane - i.e., don't be lame.  
  • Your turn signal can be very handy when you want to merge into one of the lanes next to you.  There is no need to get annoyed at other drivers when they won't let you in, when you haven't communicated that you want to do so, even if you believe that your passive aggressive swerving is getting your point across.
  • If you are going to merge into the turn lane, go ahead and turn on your blinker on prior to getting into that lane.  If you turn it on WHILE you are ALREADY in the turn lane, you are just being a lazy, annoying fuck.
  • If you intend on turning right into a side street or strip mall of sorts, be sure not to turn it on your blinker and then pass three or four possible places that you could have turned right.  This defeats the point of the turn signal, as you are LYING about your turning intentions.  
Although we are just covering turn signal basics, this is a perfect time to bring up the concept of the 'thank you wave'.  The purpose of this is to acknowledge someone for allowing you to merge into their lane, especially when the other person has slowed down in order for you to do so.  You simply raise your hand in the air, and move it slightly from side to side.  This very small amount of effort makes you a courteous, friendly driver.  And alternatively, if you decide to garishly pull in front of someone without thanking them for making them slam on their brakes to accommodate your vehicle 2 feet from their front bumper, you are a rude idiot asshole.

I'm so glad that I could enlighten you about these new products and concepts.  Now go forth, and use with reckless abandon.  I think that once you start using it, you'll find yourself turning on your signal when you pull into your driveway, and giving a thank you wave to the tree in your front yard.  You can never be too safe or nice!

Next editionBumper Stickers:  Which ones are totally inappropriate for your vehicle and therefore alert everyone that you are a douche canoe? 

Future editions: Avoid parking like an asshole AND The Left Lane: Not for you, Grandpa. 

*This post is brought to you by "Basic Manners" magazine.  If the subject matter contained within this post is confusing or new information to you in any way, you should subscribe immediately.  You can subscribe by visiting our website: or calling us toll free at 1-800-ASS-CAKE now! 

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