Monday, December 29, 2008

Year in Review

So I read this sweet blog called All & Sundry and I find the author totally fab. She posts her candid adventures almost daily. Today she asked that people fill out the year end survey. Here goes....
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
A triathlon! I came in last. Seriously, dead last among both men and women. I did it with a friend and I let her go first across the finish line. Damnit.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I cannot remember if I made one. But it was probably to lose weight, because that's what it is every year, and in that case, YES I DID.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, unfortunately not.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, fortunately not.

5. What countries did you visit?
US only, but plans for others in 2009

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Our fab summer party because I love throwing parties and getting all our eclectic friends in one place, Finn's first birthday because he was so HAPPY.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Joining a gym and going regularly

9. What was your biggest failure?
I cannot seem to manage to get pictures framed and up in my house. This really bothers me.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
The usual colds, but nothing else. Never broken a bone, ever.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Running shoes.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My husband for starting school and being the most motivated and dedicated I've ever seen him.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My crazy mom.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills - mostly mortgage with credit cards coming up as a close second.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Planning a vacation for January!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
John Mayer's live album...and Coldplay "Viva La Vida"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner
c) richer or poorer? Richer (slightly)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Days at the pool

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Watched TV

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my husband, baby boy and (seriously) lovely in-laws.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
More every day with my husband (again, seriously, he's a hell of a man)

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Survivor and Lost (same diff, right?)

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I really try to avoid hate, but I am desperately and on a daily basis annoyed with a coworker

24. What was the best book you read?
Love Walked In by Marisa de los Santos
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Regina Spektor

26. What did you want and get?
A remote control for my camera

27. What did you want and not get?
Puma sneakers

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Paris je Taime

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Birthday 28 - Wow, I seriously cannot remember. What is wrong with me?

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I had gotten into size 10 pants

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
All my clothes are old and baggy. I deserve to be nominated for "What Not to Wear". Please nominate me!!

32. What kept you sane?
My husband, always.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I usually don't - but Brad Pitt in Benjamin Button is hotttttttttttttttttttttt
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Obama is my hero

35. Who did you miss?
My BFF who lives in Cali

36. Who was the best new person you met?
I didn't meet anyone new, but I did connect with an existing coworker who is now my best workout buddy.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
You can only control your own behavior. Don't waste time trying to change other people or wonder why people act the way they do.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

Regina Spektor, 'On the Radio'


So I kinda officially suck at blogging - 3 posts in and I already took a 3 week sabbatical. That's pretty lame. It's funny because when I'm having my private thoughts about pregnancy, I often think about what I want to write, but then actually going in and writing it down doesn't quite happen. So I'll just post as if I haven't actually been away for 3 weeks:

So....I felt pregnant. SERIOUSLY. Like, I was certain. Boobs sore? Check. Slightly nauseous in the morning? Check. Emotional as hell? Check, check, check. But more than anything, I FELT it. Now, this was interesting for me, because besides the symptoms with Finn, I never actually felt pregnant until I could see the belly popping out and I felt him moving inside of me. And the month before last when I was reallyreallyreally wanting to be pregnant, I didn't feel it either. So I thought "THIS IS IT!" I was so certain, at one point I said to Mike "I know I'm pregnant, I just want confirmation." I was beyond cocky. I was CERTAIN. On Thursday night (3 days before I was supposed to get my period) I couldn't wait any longer, I tested. Mike and I were laying in bed and I whined "I want to knowwwww, I want to take a test" and (I swear, that man is just as excited for me to get pregnant, even though he doesn't squeal as much as me) he said "Do it!" I jumped up, ripped open the package and proceeded to pee on that $9 stick with excitement. I capped it, and ran back to the bed. 3 minutes later Mike got up and checked it....and I watched him, with his back to me. "What am I looking for?" "A plus sign!"...and he shook his head. Oh well, I's still 3 days before my period and Mike read me the statistics on the side of the box saying that only 54% of woman get a positive result 3 days prior to period. So I shrugged, because HEY - I was certain!

On Saturday morning, I sat down to pee and I had started my period. It was super light, so I managed to convince myself it was that "implantation bleeding" that I always read about. Although - come on, that wouldn't make sense, my period was basically right on schedule and that always happens early. So then, the next day, when it was undeniable that this was my period, I was baffled. I could seriously NOT believe it. I was pregnant, I just knew it. But of course, I was wrong. I called Mike at work to tell him and he was upbeat - "that's fine, another month of trying will be fun" he said with a smile in his voice. I felt foolish because I had been SO sure.

Later that night, I told him how surprised I was, and he just kept saying "no big deal, it'll happen".....but that wasn't the point. How could I be so convinced it was real? I felt like I was literally mourning the death of a tale that I'd spun in my head. What was wrong with me? Was I really becoming that girl? The girl so anxious to get pregnant that I convince myself that I am?

Well, I don't want to be that girl. So, as I enter another month of trying, I will do all that I can to enjoy the trying. It's all about the journey, right?

Monday, December 8, 2008


When I got pregnant the first time with Finn, I was overweight. I'm 5'4" if I reaaalllly sit up straight when they measure me, and I was about 197 lbs when I found out I was pregnant. I'm a total "apple" - holding all my weight in the middle. It wasn't until I was about 6 months pregnant that strangers began commenting on my pregnancy, which leads me to believe that people just thought I was super fat until then. Somehow I didn't feel that big through my pregnancy - but when I look back at pictures, I cringe a little. I only gained 27 pounds, which is about perfect when you are *yikes* obese.

I don't know if it was the breastfeeding that did it, but somehow the weight just literally started falling off of me. I lost 40 lbs in the first 6 months - all the pregnancy weight and then a little more. Then, around Finn's first birthday, I decided to do a triathlon with a friend. It was an excuse to join a gym and start getting serious. I've lost another 20ish pounds since then, so I'm currently at a svelte 160. Of course, my BMI still says I'm that terrible "O" word, but I'm feeling pretty darn cute these days.

Unfortunately with all this weight loss, I'm left with a less than attractive hanging skin thing going on. Combined with the stretch marks, I'm not a huge fan of taking off my shirt these days. I know all those people say "oh, but come on, isn't it worth it"...well, i guess so, but can't I have a great kid and a decent after-pregnancy belly too?

Mike and I just had our ovulation sex-athon week.

Mike: Wow, you really know how to get me in the mood.
So now, I'm waiting to see what the outcome was. As I mentioned, we got pregnant SO FAST last time, I didn't even have time to look up information on ovulation, fertile periods, etc. I'm making up for it this time, I think I've looked at every conception calculator on the internet. Fingers crossed for getting pregnant quickly - I already feel totally obsessed with it.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Number two

It's very interesting how much different trying for baby number 2 feels than trying for the first one. Mike and I both came from very small families, were the first to reproduce among our siblings and are ahead of most of our friends - and not because we are young (I'm in my late 20's, he's early 30's) basically we had not been around kids very much at all. We waited 5 years after we got married to start trying....I finished my degree, got a job, we bought a house. All set. Then, we sold the house and bought another house. Super set. Then, we waited some more. THEN, we started trying. Mike  was always the kind of guy that was like "I could do without having kids"....but he knew that was on my agenda, and since he wanted to be on my agenda too, he was on board with the kid idea. However, I did my very best to not push the idea until he became more comfortable and excited about actually starting to try. It was early summer, right around my birthday and we were laying on the couch and he mentioned something about seeing a baby at the store and having his first urge to have one of his own. I nearly fell off the couch in excitement and eased into the idea of getting off the pill. He was game, so I stopped taking it. I was pregnant literally days later. It took FOREVER for the pregnancy tests to be positive - I was 12 days late before getting a positive result. It happened so quickly, we were both in shock....I think I was a little more excited than he was, as I don't believe that he thought it would be in action quite so soon. And so it was.....

The pregnancy was interesting. Mike tried to get excited, but I think he was mostly just putting on a pretty good show. He just simply didn't know what to expect and he's not the kind of guy to pretend he's stoked about something he doesn't know about. But - he did a pretty good job anyway. He painted the room with gusto, put together furniture, pretended to care about which bedding set we registered for, etc. But there was just something missing, although I didn't fully realize it at the time.

We decided to get my IUD removed last month, the day Obama was elected. And the way my period fell, I would have had to get pregnant basically THAT DAY. And damn those PMS symptoms, I seriously thought that I did get pregnant right away. Sore boobs, crazy hungry, nauseous, etc. There was a moment that I was in my living room, dancing with my little boy. He was really sleepy, and he had his head laying on chest and I was dancing around the room, singing. The song was that Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love" song...not really significant for any reason or poignant, even. But I was swinging around the room, feeling very motherly and beautiful....wondering if there was a baby growing in my belly...I felt like it could have been a scene in a movie. Then, I glanced up at a picture hanging on the wall that I could see my reflection. I saw how frizzy my hair looked and the red spot on my face where I picked that zit earlier and my holey pajama shirt and brought myself back to reality. My period started later that day.

A few days later, Mike and I were talking about the book that he tried to read Finn when he was in my belly. It was a short classic novel, and I usually fell asleep while he read. He never finished the book. This was mostly due to him working lots of late nights, but I think it was also because he felt a little silly, although he never actually said that. Mike said that he wouldn't have any problem finishing the book for the next baby. "I actually knows how to talk to a baby now" he said. What an interesting statement. I let it rattle around in my brain and smiled at him. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about that comment since then. I love trying for baby number two. I'm not scared of the unknown - I know it can get rough, but I also know how ridiculously incredible it is. And I can't wait.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Belly Aches

*Big sigh* Finally, a 'private' blog, a place to share my thoughts without all my friends and family and coworkers knowing my every thought. I'm way too connected - twitter, facebook, myspace, blog for my kid, blog for my extended family. Every time I sneeze online, someone hands me a Kleenex. Now, sometimes this is totally fab. I post Halloween pics of my cute kiddo, and 10 people validate how totally adorable he is. Heart swells, all is well. However, this system seems flawed when I want to talk about what a huge dick my boss is, I have no where to vent because his assistant is on my Facebook, he's on Twitter, and his wife checks my kids blog (not that I would really say my boss sucks on my childs blog, come on now). Okay, so there are two possibilities at this point - either you are nodding your head in agreement, because you have the same problem. OR, you are shaking your head, thinking that this really isn't that big of a problem. I mean, come on now (says the naysayer) you REALLY need a forum to bitch? Do you really need strangers to read your stories? Well, NO, of course I don't. But I WANT one. Whhhhhy? (whines the naysayer)....

Welllllll.......because I'm trying to get pregnant and no one is supposed to know about it! Well, let me correct husband knows. Of course. I think. No, just kidding, he definitely knows. And it's like, the best thing ever, this exciting time of trying to conceive. And I can't talk about it with ANYONE! SO frustrating. So, the other day, I was thinking in my head of all the things I want to talk about - so I'm just going to talk about them outloud|online….in private|publicly.

So here I am world. Are you ready to hear my Belly Story?