198 Days

Dear Will,

I have written letters to you in my head about a hundred times, but I’m finally sitting down to do it. You’ll learn about me that I have the best of intentions, but not the infinite time I need to get it all done. This hasn’t gotten any better since you’ve come around. I mean this in the best possible way, as I’d way rather stare at you with your crazy blue eyes and the wide smile than do about anything else. Oh, Will – your smile. It’s like your entire face emits pure sunshine, shining into every single crevice of my heart. And best of all, you give them with reckless abandon.



The first few weeks were challenging. So many changes, and not just with you coming into our family. When you were barely 2 weeks old, I lost my job. Be happy that you are too young to understand me right now, because I really won’t shut up about this happening, and believe me when I tell you that people are sick of me talking about it. It rocked me pretty hard and made the beginning days with you unfairly tough. But you knew nothing of this struggle and carried on as any newborn does – waking up 4-5 times during the night, nonstop feedings, lots of rocking, and nearly constant holding. Slowly (slowly!) we both came out smiling. You got easier and started sleeping better. I found a job. Life continued….

As you are nearing your 200th day in our lives, I can only count my lucky stars that I’ve been given the opportunity to be the mom in our little family, the four dubs. You are becoming this insanely awesome little dude. You are eating like a champ, and I have a feeling you are going to tip the scales at your next doctor appointment. You just started sleeping through the night, which is downright blissful for me and your dad. You are a rolling phenomenon. If you see something across the room that you want, you’ll roll over 16 times to get to it. You are starting to squeal and babble and you’d better start talking soon so you can keep up with your smarty-pants brother. And hey, do me a favor and say “mama” first, because Finn said “dada” and I think it’s my turn, don’t you agree?

I have to be honest when I tell you that when I was pregnant and I envisioned you in our lives, I wondered if I’d get a little….bored. It’s just that Finn was doing so much, talking and entertaining us on a level I never knew a 3 year old could. But you have proved me wrong. Everything you do is just totally magical. I look at you and I could bust into tears at any moment at the sheer level of luckiness I feel that we get to be your parents. Will, you are so happy. It’s not just your smile….it’s like your soul is just made of love. It’s clear to me that you are here in the world to do something very important. I’m so excited to watch it happen.

Why would I want to do the dishes?

I finally realize that if I want my husband to unload the dishwasher, I have to ask. Mike will never get excited about unloading it, knowing how happy it will make me. This is an unrealistic expectation that many women have - it's like that awesome scene in The Break Up when Jennifer Aniston gets so pissed at Vince Vaughn because he should "want to do the dishes". "Why would I want to do the dishes???" he asks, perplexed.

Mike and I are lucky that we don't disagree much. Over the last 11 years, I can tell you that our fights have centered around basically one thing: I want him to see things that need to be done and do them. Turns out it doesn't work that way with dudes. Guys are happy to do what you want them to do, you just have to ask for it. It's the asking that's tough, though.

For me, this leads to a bigger issue. I've been slowly realizing over the last several years that the quickest way to live a fulfilled and happy life is to stop waiting for other people to fill your holes. I can't tell you how many years I wasted waiting for my mom to get better so I could be better. Turns out, I had the power the whole time.

If you want your life to be better, you have to be better. If you want change, you have to change.