Thursday, April 23, 2009

On being wanted

Last week was particularly rough for me. Drama with my mom - and if I've learned one things from stories of the internet, I won't be airing that kind of dirty laundry. But let me just tell you that it's ongoing, it's exhausting and I'm far too busy growing a human over here to want a big family mess to clean up.

Jake had a random day off last week and came into my neck of the woods to meet me for lunch.
He was already there when I got to the restaurant, sitting in a booth in the front next to the windows. I walked up to the table, he stood up with his arms open. As soon as his arms closed around me, I started sobbing. My body shook and I dug my face into his chest. He held me tight even though the waiter was awkwardly trying to pass behind us at that very moment. It wasn't so much that I was upset about this specific issue that was going on - just a million different little emotions that are always rudely awakened anytime something happens with my mom. We finally sat down and he covered my hands with his.

"I'm sorry, I'm just so emotional," I said, as another fresh wave of tears fell down my face. You know what it's like when they won't turn off by sheer will.

"It's okay baby, I'm emotional too," he said earnestly.

This made me smile a little. My man doesn't get emotional. "Why aren't you crying, then?" I asked a little coyly.

"No, I'm serious. I was watching you walk inside from the car and..." - he put his hand in a fist over his heart - "I just feel so lucky to have you, that you are mine."

Now, first of all, let me tell you that I was wearing this nasty grey hoodie that our old dog chewed all these holes in and I was actually wearing the hood because it was raining. I have to say, I look REALLY bad in a hood, I'm not sure what it is. But they'll never cast me in the next Lord of the Rings movie where everyone is wearing those hooded capes. Secondly, Jake is a really sweet, communicative guy. He tells me he loves me, he kisses me in public, he holds my hand, he swats my ass any chance he gets. But he doesn't generally express himself verbally too much. He's a shower, not a talker.

On a recent Oprah, there was this gal talking about what woman really want - what gets our libido rockin', what makes us feel fantastic. She explained that it was being desired by the one who we desire. Man, this couldn't be more true. To feel really wanted, needed, loved, desired by the one whom you feel all those same emotions for. It is a truly powerful feeling and I think that after you've been married for several years, you start forgetting to make the other person aware that they are still the person that you CHOOSE. That you aren't sharing your life with them because of your mortgage and your marraige license and your kids and your religion and whatever else.

I realized in that moment in the restaurant that the parts of my life that truly affect me every day - my husband, my son, my work, my friends....that they are solid and truly fantastic (ok, my job isn't really FANTASTIC, but I am gainfully employed without risk of losing my job). I can't control every single relationship in my life (or so my therapist keeps trying to tell me). But what I can control is making sure that the ones in my life know more than that I love them - but instead, that I want them in my life. Not by obligation, but by choice.


Freedom said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean!

Sarah @ said...

I know exactly how you felt. In fact, I think I could have written this post.

You're a very lucky woman to have such a wonderful man in your life =)