Where do I begin? I have so much to say and yet so little patience and energy to express myself. The past 3 weeks have been difficult and ... I'm beginning to feel like a toddler who is going to throw myself on the grocery store floor, arms and legs flailing. I'm so sick of feeling sick. The nausea began right around 4 weeks. This hit me a bit by surprise since I didn't get sick until about 10 weeks with Finn. However, I was almost relieved in some way because I thought maybe it would end sooner - and it still might (and for god's sake, please let that be the case) but the last 7 weeks have been miserable.
Here's the thing - when I was trying to get pregnant, I made this proclamation to myself: When I got pregnant, I would embrace my pregnancy symptoms. Yes, I actually thought this. I truly believed that I would be so thrilled to be pregnant that anything that came at me would just roll off my back with ease. I mean, this is just totally ridiculous and makes me feel even more foolish as this nausea is making me mentally fall to my knees.
My reaction to wanting to throw up nearly 24 hours a day has been to mentally retract. I've become virtually nonexistent on all the social networking sites that used to rule my world (facebook, twitter, etc). I have stopped returning phone calls and my weekends have become long stretches of time at home. I do the bare minimum at work to not call attention to myself and the bare amount at home to not make my husband feel like there is a vagrant living in the house who is unable to do dishes or pick up their shit. I give as much energy as possible to Finn and then go to the sleep at 8pm. Not because I'm tired - because I just don't want to be awake feeling like I do.
"How do you feel today?" is the question that I'm asked about 25 times per day. I know these people mean well, but how many ways can I say that I'm always about 2 deep breaths away from puking into the trashcan under my desk?
As may be obvious now - I'm knee deep in a pity party for one...and let me just tell you, it's one hell of a rager.