So I kinda officially suck at blogging - 3 posts in and I already took a 3 week sabbatical. That's pretty lame. It's funny because when I'm having my private thoughts about pregnancy, I often think about what I want to write, but then actually going in and writing it down doesn't quite happen. So I'll just post as if I haven't actually been away for 3 weeks:
So....I felt pregnant. SERIOUSLY. Like, I was certain. Boobs sore? Check. Slightly nauseous in the morning? Check. Emotional as hell? Check, check, check. But more than anything, I FELT it. Now, this was interesting for me, because besides the symptoms with Finn, I never actually felt pregnant until I could see the belly popping out and I felt him moving inside of me. And the month before last when I was reallyreallyreally wanting to be pregnant, I didn't feel it either. So I thought "THIS IS IT!" I was so certain, at one point I said to Mike "I know I'm pregnant, I just want confirmation." I was beyond cocky. I was CERTAIN. On Thursday night (3 days before I was supposed to get my period) I couldn't wait any longer, I tested. Mike and I were laying in bed and I whined "I want to knowwwww, I want to take a test" and (I swear, that man is just as excited for me to get pregnant, even though he doesn't squeal as much as me) he said "Do it!".....so I jumped up, ripped open the package and proceeded to pee on that $9 stick with excitement. I capped it, and ran back to the bed. 3 minutes later Mike got up and checked it....and I watched him, with his back to me. "What am I looking for?" "A plus sign!"...and he shook his head. Oh well, I thought....it's still 3 days before my period and Mike read me the statistics on the side of the box saying that only 54% of woman get a positive result 3 days prior to period. So I shrugged, because HEY - I was certain!
On Saturday morning, I sat down to pee and I had started my period. It was super light, so I managed to convince myself it was that "implantation bleeding" that I always read about. Although - come on, that wouldn't make sense, my period was basically right on schedule and that always happens early. So then, the next day, when it was undeniable that this was my period, I was baffled. I could seriously NOT believe it. I was pregnant, I just knew it. But of course, I was wrong. I called Mike at work to tell him and he was upbeat - "that's fine, another month of trying will be fun" he said with a smile in his voice. I felt foolish because I had been SO sure.
Later that night, I told him how surprised I was, and he just kept saying "no big deal, it'll happen".....but that wasn't the point. How could I be so convinced it was real? I felt like I was literally mourning the death of a tale that I'd spun in my head. What was wrong with me? Was I really becoming that girl? The girl so anxious to get pregnant that I convince myself that I am?
Well, I don't want to be that girl. So, as I enter another month of trying, I will do all that I can to enjoy the trying. It's all about the journey, right?